lørdag den 15. september 2018
This is all a mess
Did we reach a point where we can no longer talk about nothing and anything together? There were so many times during our trip that I wanted to hold you, kiss you and just ask you about how I could make you feel better. But I was too scared that you'd reject me and I would fuck up the rest of the trip. Touching you used to some so naturally to me, I would touch and kiss you, and while I always knew that I initiated most of it you didn't reject me. It was this weird middle ground were we weren't dating but just was affectionate towards each other. And somehow I think we both needed it. But I feel like I might have ended up hurting you, because I became way too dependent of you. And I still am, I try so hard to match your expectations, and whenever I decide to maybe try to show a bit of myself your reactions makes me retreat into myself and back to following you. And I know that I should just stand by what I think, and argue why I like it. But I feel like you're superior to me, and that's where this friendship is off. Because you're supposed to be equal in a friendship, it's not a stupid competition about who's the best. I know that you're busy with school and that a lot came crashing down these past months. I know that you love and care about your family, and while I envy your ability to love something so wholesome it also bothers me that I can't support you trough this. I want so bad to be by your side and get you trough this, like so many times before. And a part of me starts wondering if I ever helped you out, or if I just annoyed you. Did I become one of those people too blind to see that you would rather leave me behind? Did I finally become too mush of a mindless drone, too caught up in my fears and jealousy to realize? Am I the one you laugh at with someone else, a better friend that doesn't mind speaking up. That matches you more, that enjoys the same tings and you and can understand you better. Did I try too hard to match you, you helped me becoming why I am today, but is that even me or just the person I felt like you wanted me to be? I don't even wanna go there, I keep turning the music up louder and louder, please just go away!!! I was so happy that you came into my life and decided to stay. Even if I forgot about you, you stayed. Even if I rarely reached out to you, you stayed. You helped me to become more confident in myself, I learned to relax and embrace myself, and I finally found my voice. And I want you to be happy, I truly want to do everything I can to make you smile. I prepared a lot of different things for your birthday, and some of it is still in the making. I want to gift you something unique that shows off your love, but at the same time I'm just so afraid that you would get mad at me, because who am I to mess with things I don't even care about. You told me that I said something that hurt you, and I didn't even notice. And I'm so so sorry that I can't even remember, because it was probably one of those stupid things I didn't even think about. I never intended to hurt you, and while I can understad why you love it so much, it's just not my style. I can still enjoy it, but it seems like you don't want to share your love with me anymore. And since I hurt you it makes sense, but I have no idea how to make it up to you. And I want you back, passionately speaking about whatever holds your interest right now, because I love the passion and love flowing from you when you speak. Sorry that I prefer to listen, talking with me must get boring pretty fast. That's probably why I can't keep a decent conversation going with anyone, neither at work nor at home.
lørdag den 5. maj 2018
Tears and feelings incoming
Don't say you weren't told.
So for a little over a week I haven't been feeling completely on top of my game. I wanted a quiet day to myself where I could ugly cry at sad stuff just because I needed to. Not necessarily because of a specific event, more like a few small bits slowly building up. And no, none of them are major problems, but they are meaningful to me. First off I discovered that I can't enter a church without crying. For an entire baptizing I sat on the bench next to my in-laws and tried not to bawl my eyes out. My boyfriend was so proud and scared about holdning our nephew, and worrying if he would say the name wrong. I couldn't pay much attention to him or the ceremony because I was busy thinking of the two grandmothers I lost within a year. And again, trying not to cry to avoid having to explain myself. Then there is work, in my class I have a kid that really needs special attention, and we can't offer it to him. It won't be fair to the other 7 kids nor to the kid himself. Because he would loose that attention as soon as we are missing a person, and that would not do him any good. So for now my heart is bleeding for the poor boy who finally developed in interest in the other kids, but doesn't understand how to communicate. And I really hope that the psychologist test will show that he needs to be in a special institution. Simply to avoid that his attempt to search out other people will die because he has to be guided away from his every attempt because the other kids are scared of him. The other day I dropped a tray filled with dirty cutlery and water all over the floor and myself. And I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry, but I squatted down on the floor with a slightly hysterical laughter. Luckily the kids just laughed as well and I proceeded to clean up the mess, happy that I was alone at the time. The day before a co-worker said that I didn't feel like myself, and I almost broke down in tears. I told her that I was just tired and feeling the pressure of loosing an extra person connected to the class. I finally told my boyfriend that I kinda just wanted a cry-day but had no way of telling him without worrying him. I don't think he completely understood the urge to cry just for the hell of it, but he accepted it and have been giving me plenty of space.
My biggest problem is love, because as always loving two people is never easy. I love my boyfriend, and I wanna grow old with him and share our life together. But a small part of me is afraid that I only cling on to him because he's safe. How do you know if love is real, how do you know you aren't just friends hanging out and having sex? There is no doubt that loosing him would crush me, but so would the loss of my best friend. Is it even possible to love two people? Because I love my best friend as well, and a small part of me always wished for more than friendship. But I know it won't work out, it would only destroy everything we have. And I'm not sure I would be able to bear it.I get so affected by everything she does, and I get madly jealous and sad when she's with other people. That's the bad part about facebook, otherwise I would just live in blissfully ignorance. And I know that our friendship is strong, I know that we've been trough a lot. But I still feel like I'm not enough, that I can't invest myself enough in her life to be a true part of it. And I fear for every mistake I might make or doing things that upsets her. I know that my pleasing gene is way too much and out of control, but I can't stop it. Because will she even wanna be with me after all these years if I change my personality? It isn't healthy and it isn't fair, but I love her so so much and she is the only person I can spend hours with without getting tired mentally. Also the only friend I talk to regularly and kinda the only person I truly consider a friend. She's even a part of our future, we often talk about buying a big country house once she's done with her education, then she and I will create a kid together for her, I could get pregnant with my boyfriend and our kids will live happily in our strange, modern family. Also we need dogs for breeding and possibly birds. But there is never a boyfriend for her part, or any kind of lover. And I worry that she'll never find true love, because she deserve somebody to love and respect her. But at the same time that'll take her away from me, and I'll hate that. I just don't want to stop her from being happy. But I get so jealous of her being with friends, imagine a lover.
I really need a drink, not that it solves any problems but I haven't been propler drunk in forever and it will probably just remind me of her anyways. But the urge to chuck down a bottle of shots is strong. Mostly because I have nobody to talk with about all this. I shared a few bits with my two co-workers at the local pub, and one of them saw my love shine trough right away. She even asked me why I didn't try to make myself happy. Hopefully they both where too drunk to remember much of the conversation, because sharing with actual people is scary as hell.
Thank you dead blog for listening to me~
So for a little over a week I haven't been feeling completely on top of my game. I wanted a quiet day to myself where I could ugly cry at sad stuff just because I needed to. Not necessarily because of a specific event, more like a few small bits slowly building up. And no, none of them are major problems, but they are meaningful to me. First off I discovered that I can't enter a church without crying. For an entire baptizing I sat on the bench next to my in-laws and tried not to bawl my eyes out. My boyfriend was so proud and scared about holdning our nephew, and worrying if he would say the name wrong. I couldn't pay much attention to him or the ceremony because I was busy thinking of the two grandmothers I lost within a year. And again, trying not to cry to avoid having to explain myself. Then there is work, in my class I have a kid that really needs special attention, and we can't offer it to him. It won't be fair to the other 7 kids nor to the kid himself. Because he would loose that attention as soon as we are missing a person, and that would not do him any good. So for now my heart is bleeding for the poor boy who finally developed in interest in the other kids, but doesn't understand how to communicate. And I really hope that the psychologist test will show that he needs to be in a special institution. Simply to avoid that his attempt to search out other people will die because he has to be guided away from his every attempt because the other kids are scared of him. The other day I dropped a tray filled with dirty cutlery and water all over the floor and myself. And I didn't know if I wanted to laugh or cry, but I squatted down on the floor with a slightly hysterical laughter. Luckily the kids just laughed as well and I proceeded to clean up the mess, happy that I was alone at the time. The day before a co-worker said that I didn't feel like myself, and I almost broke down in tears. I told her that I was just tired and feeling the pressure of loosing an extra person connected to the class. I finally told my boyfriend that I kinda just wanted a cry-day but had no way of telling him without worrying him. I don't think he completely understood the urge to cry just for the hell of it, but he accepted it and have been giving me plenty of space.
My biggest problem is love, because as always loving two people is never easy. I love my boyfriend, and I wanna grow old with him and share our life together. But a small part of me is afraid that I only cling on to him because he's safe. How do you know if love is real, how do you know you aren't just friends hanging out and having sex? There is no doubt that loosing him would crush me, but so would the loss of my best friend. Is it even possible to love two people? Because I love my best friend as well, and a small part of me always wished for more than friendship. But I know it won't work out, it would only destroy everything we have. And I'm not sure I would be able to bear it.I get so affected by everything she does, and I get madly jealous and sad when she's with other people. That's the bad part about facebook, otherwise I would just live in blissfully ignorance. And I know that our friendship is strong, I know that we've been trough a lot. But I still feel like I'm not enough, that I can't invest myself enough in her life to be a true part of it. And I fear for every mistake I might make or doing things that upsets her. I know that my pleasing gene is way too much and out of control, but I can't stop it. Because will she even wanna be with me after all these years if I change my personality? It isn't healthy and it isn't fair, but I love her so so much and she is the only person I can spend hours with without getting tired mentally. Also the only friend I talk to regularly and kinda the only person I truly consider a friend. She's even a part of our future, we often talk about buying a big country house once she's done with her education, then she and I will create a kid together for her, I could get pregnant with my boyfriend and our kids will live happily in our strange, modern family. Also we need dogs for breeding and possibly birds. But there is never a boyfriend for her part, or any kind of lover. And I worry that she'll never find true love, because she deserve somebody to love and respect her. But at the same time that'll take her away from me, and I'll hate that. I just don't want to stop her from being happy. But I get so jealous of her being with friends, imagine a lover.
I really need a drink, not that it solves any problems but I haven't been propler drunk in forever and it will probably just remind me of her anyways. But the urge to chuck down a bottle of shots is strong. Mostly because I have nobody to talk with about all this. I shared a few bits with my two co-workers at the local pub, and one of them saw my love shine trough right away. She even asked me why I didn't try to make myself happy. Hopefully they both where too drunk to remember much of the conversation, because sharing with actual people is scary as hell.
Thank you dead blog for listening to me~
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