This is all a mess

Did we reach a point where we can no longer talk about nothing and anything together? There were so many times during our trip that I wanted to hold you, kiss you and just ask you about how I could make you feel better. But I was too scared that you'd reject me and I would fuck up the rest of the trip. Touching you used to some so naturally to me, I would touch and kiss you, and while I always knew that I initiated most of it you didn't reject me. It was this weird middle ground were we weren't dating but just was affectionate towards each other. And somehow I think we both needed it. But I feel like I might have ended up hurting you, because I became way too dependent of you. And I still am, I try so hard to match your expectations, and whenever I decide to maybe try to show a bit of myself your reactions makes me retreat into myself and back to following you. And I know that I should just stand by what I think, and argue why I like it. But I feel like you're superior to me, and that's where this friendship is off. Because you're supposed to be equal in a friendship, it's not a stupid competition about who's the best. I know that you're busy with school and that a lot came crashing down these past months. I know that you love and care about your family, and while I envy your ability to love something so wholesome it also bothers me that I can't support you trough this. I want so bad to be by your side and get you trough this, like so many times before. And a part of me starts wondering if I ever helped you out, or if I just annoyed you. Did I become one of those people too blind to see that you would rather leave me behind? Did I finally become too mush of a mindless drone, too caught up in my fears and jealousy to realize? Am I the one you laugh at with someone else, a better friend that doesn't mind speaking up. That matches you more, that enjoys the same tings and you and can understand you better. Did I try too hard to match you, you helped me becoming why I am today, but is that even me or just the person I felt like you wanted me to be? I don't even wanna go there, I keep turning the music up louder and louder, please just go away!!! I was so happy that you came into my life and decided to stay. Even if I forgot about you, you stayed. Even if I rarely reached out to you, you stayed. You helped me to become more confident in myself, I learned to relax and embrace myself, and I finally found my voice. And I want you to be happy, I truly want to do everything I can to make you smile. I prepared a lot of different things for your birthday, and some of it is still in the making. I want to gift you something unique that shows off your love, but at the same time I'm just so afraid that you would get mad at me, because who am I to mess with things I don't even care about. You told me that I said something that hurt you, and I didn't even notice. And I'm so so sorry that I can't even remember, because it was probably one of those stupid things I didn't even think about. I never intended to hurt you, and while I can understad why you love it so much, it's just not my style. I can still enjoy it, but it seems like you don't want to share your love with me anymore. And since I hurt you it makes sense, but I have no idea how to make it up to you. And I want you back, passionately speaking about whatever holds your interest right now, because I love the passion and love flowing from you when you speak. Sorry that I prefer to listen, talking with me must get boring pretty fast. That's probably why I can't keep a decent conversation going with anyone, neither at work nor at home.